Unimpressed Podcast Blog

CONGRATS AMERICA. YOU'VE MADE ME LITERALLY ANTI-SOCIAL.

By Gerard Haran

CONGRATS AMERICA. YOU'VE MADE ME LITERALLY ANTI-SOCIAL.

Look, it's Monday, day 61 of quarantine and the pollen count has to be over A BILLION right now so you'll have to forgive me for being a little cranky...

 That said, I've about had it with the word "Social."

"Social Media"
“Social Distancing”
“Social Justice”
"Social Shaming"
“Socialized Medicine”
“Socialism”

The word “social” has been co-opted by so many special interests I've LITERALLY become anti-social.  I can't STAND the word. 

Now listen, I'm old enough to remember when "free" and "subsidized" actually meant different things and I have to imagine the nickname Dick couldn't have always been vulgar for THAT many kids to be named Richard, so I get it...this is not the first time words have been hi-jacked or changed by a shifting culture.

I've just never seen one word be used SO MUCH and SO OFTEN with such disregard for it's common usage. 

My goodness, WE GET IT ALREADY.  You want to c̶o̶n̶t̶r̶o̶l̶ ̶ help us all. But do 330 Million people really need to stay this ON BRAND and ON MESSAGE all the time?!

It's like we're in the worst episode of MAD MEN EVER

Could we AT LEAST mix it up a little bit? Mix in some of those lovely descriptive synonyms?! 

"Social-Distancing" is such a weird way to describe and entire population hiding in their rooms from the cooties. "Community Distancing" is much better! Look, you're distancing yourself from the community. It works.  #Boom. #Draper

"Social Media" is such an odd term for two billion bored strangers trying to ruin the lives of people they disagree with. Since by now it's well documented schadenfreude is the internet's life blood, "Amusement Media" would pretty much sum it up!  Amusement Media works. MAKE IT SO! #BOOM #DRAPER

And isn't it interesting that in over three decades on this planet, I've yet to meet a sociable "socialist?" 
...I don't really have a solution for that, I'm more just pointing out the irony.  #BOOM #ROASTED 

NOW before you jump down my throat and try to explain away the "VALUE" of your favorite sacred cow, please know--I'm sure you're right and I'm sure I just DO.NOT.CARE. 

And no amount of Karen-ing will change that. 

I've actually worked in politics and there's a reason I now tell jokes for a living and encourage people not to VOTE or PAY THEIR DEBTS. 🤷‍♂️

For what it's worth, I ascribe to the horseshoe theory and my entire political philosophy can pretty much be boiled down to "PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE, I BEG YOU!"

Huh. Maybe I've been Anti-Social all along... 😂😂😜

If you're in your feelz and want to argue with me about how you're right and saving the world and I'm just a big ol' Grump please first consider you'll be arguing with the type of person who spends two weeks of their life making THIS: 


Yeah. I thought so.  It ain't that serious. 😂😂😂😂😜

-GH
Gerard Haran 
fb.com/Gerardharanvt



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ONLY GEEKS & HARDO'S RIP JORDAN'S BASEBALL STINT

By Gerard Haran

ONLY GEEKS & HARDO'S RIP JORDAN'S BASEBALL STINT
Yet again, the nerds are wrong. Michael Jordan DID NOT stink at baseball.

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ADELE IS MORE PROOF YOU'RE NOT FAT, YOU'RE JUST BROKE

By Gerard Haran

ADELE IS MORE PROOF YOU'RE NOT FAT, YOU'RE JUST BROKE

While the rest of the known universe was stuck home gaining their Covid-15, Adele went ahead and Altered-Carboned herself into a new Britney Bitch Sleeve.

Now, let's get this out of the way right off the jump--Adele could ALWAYS get it.

As you know my quarantine motto is stay home if you're sicc, but come over if you thicc!!  And Ms. Adele Laurie Blue Adkins has ALWAYS had an open invite to set fire to my rain.

But this is like a whole new human. It's hard to wrap my mind around... I am, at the same exact time impressed, inspired, aroused and jealous AF!  😂😂😵😵

No matter how many times they lecture us about diet and exercise we're shown time and again the real key to living a healthy lifestyle is...CREDIT SCORE.

Don't get me wrong, GOOD FOR YOU ADELE! BRAVO. You had a goal and you achieved it.

But for the rest of us sexy sized plebes that want to half ourselves too, the real tea is that its going to be realllllly hard justifying that $18 salad over that $3 slice of pizza after not making any money for over two months.  

Could you imagine HOW MANY freaking body wrap pyramid schemes you'd have to sell to be able to afford a personally catered nutrition plan cooked by private chefs or a live-in nanny to home school the kids while you hit the ol' Pelaton for a couple hours!?  😂😂😂

Just because we can't afford the hgh and botox injections that keep 50 year olds looking 29 or any of the cosmetic surgeries that make everyone in LA look like they're in some kind of freaky witness protection for sexy drag queens DOESN'T mean we're fat and ugly. 

It just mean's we're broke. 
😂😂😂

Feel good for Adele but DON'T YOU DARE feel bad about yourself!!  

WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW!  
She would want you to.  


-GH 

Gerard Haran
fb.com/Gerardharanvt

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THE WOLF AND THE DOG

By Gerard Haran

THE WOLF AND THE DOG
A dog cries if you remove its collar, while a wolf bites your hand off for trying to put one on. 

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THOSE ANNOYING SOCIAL MEDIA DEBATES WILL SAVE US

By Gerard Haran

THOSE ANNOYING SOCIAL MEDIA DEBATES WILL SAVE US
People don't steal worthless things. If freedom is worth stealing...it must be worth protecting.

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